then a teenager
(Long hesitation, taking in a deep breath) At first, back in 1984, we all thought father was trying to set things up to take us, and perhaps he was. Whatever the case, we didn't know any better.,aion kinah, It wasn't until we grew up that we realized that that object of alcoholism was his soul excuse to unburden himself with us-and I remember thinking: So, since pa has failed to do what he says he wanted to do, promised us he'd do, I'm the innocent one here, the only uncontaminated one, I was always faithful to his scheme, believing him to the bitter end, God forbid the bitter end. It was me, I was,maplestory mesos, the bereaved, the betrayed son, waiting, and waiting, and forgiving for the sake of hope, I was a child, then a teenager, then an adult, still waiting, and then at sixteen, he said "Okay, I'll now take you," the second time, and he was in an apartment, so it couldn't burn down and he'd have an excuse not to take us, to take me, and I said "No need to, I'm happy where I'm at," he was surprised, and Sergei said the same thing: oh, yes, Sergei and I felt the same way but he wouldn't believe Sergei would feel the way I felt, but he knows know I didn't lie.
Well he said, I think he said, "You ,lotro gold,can't get blood out of a turnip," or maybe I said that, thinking he said that, maybe I dreamed he said that, or whatever he said, he meant that-and I just looked at him, I was on a roll, talking faster than I could think, I often did that back then, until I got my medication. "I did the best I could with what I had at the time," he said. Well it wasn't like it cost him anything to say that after the fact, now grown up. But I still felt after a while of waiting he had no use for us kids, never had,,cabal gold, never will. Oh yes, it was pa, he had the whole world on his side now that he came out with it: that he was a recovering alcoholic, and if there was any hope before, ever was any, it was gone now because his sobriety was priority. And he was a Catholic, and now he was turning into a Baptist, and in-between he was some kind of Jesus Christ freak, and made sure all three of us kids got baptized, and took us to church-like it or not, but he said it was his duty, like it or not, and we all wanted to appease him, so he'd take us, but that too didn't help either, it was sobriety now that was priority-oh I said that, already said that. And I suppose because of ,RIFT sales,all this, I don't have any use for him now. I guess some folks just have different ideas of honesty, like my father. He did the best he could-he said, he said that a few times, but for it to have been the best he could do, it would have had to have been stopping his lying to take us-that would have been better than hope. I can hear the words he said clear as I can hear the birds chipper in the trees out at the Como Park, as I can hear these voices in my head: "I'm working on it son, it'll take a while." Then in 1988, he said "Okay, I got an apartment, you can move in?" And I said to him, "No, I'm happy where I'm at," a few years too late. Without a loss, I now could tell him what I couldn't tell him before, he ,aion kinah,missed the cue, if you know what I mean, and it was too late. And it's not everybody can make up for their mistakes, when they no longer are needed, and he wasn't needed any longer.
